Fallen into the darkness
by just dee jae
Summary: once a hero, now a deadbeat- how can she come back from this?
1. Chapter 1

Disclamer: don't own em- just wanna play with em a lil bit

Authors note: I decided, I wanted to go there, I wanted to see our lovely women battle with something many of us battle with every day. I tried to make this as real and as raw as I could. This is something I knew I could blow your minds with, because of the deamons I struggle with within myself. Heres just a little taste.

Rated M- for strong drug use.

Italic is janes thoughts.

_It shouldn't have ended up this way you know. Im a cop. I look for the creeps, I find the creeps, I take down the creeps. Now, I am a creep. As I sit on my sofa, ever inch of my body aching, every pain I subsided coming back full force, I have realized that I am now alone. In the last nine months I have pushed everyone, and everything away from me. I've lied to them, I've cheated them, I have stolen from them. Poor Maura, She tried to help me. She tried over and over. However, no matter how much I love her, I just cant stop. Its too deep now. I have officially lost this battle. _

_What am I saying._

_I know, I haven't really lost yet._

_What do they say, dead or in jail, right? Think Jane think._

_It sure feels like I have already lost though._

_I was going to change it today. Try to get back to the old me. But the pain its just, its just so hard. FUCK THIS. I CANT. I just cant. _

The detective, gets off of her sofa and runs into the kitchen. She opens her cabinet and finds the magical blue bag she knows will take it all away. She finds her way back to the sofa.

_Step one- bottle cap. (works )Needle. Bag._

_Step two- Drawl back, 20 mls of water and empty into the bottle cap, then mix the magical substance_

_Step three- the drawl back, this is my favorite part. I love using my teeth to slowly pull the brown liquid into the works. _

_Step four- flick flick flick. We don't need any air bubbles Janie. Oh great, now im talking to myself in the third person, that's it I have lost my mind._

_Step five- aim and shoot. Whats the sense of tieing up? I know where im going now, just gotta find somewhere to hit, most of my veins are blown out._

_Step six- its in…dig for it, wait for it.. pull back and wait for the blood to mix inside the works, …yes we've found a winner._

_Step seven- Now push, slowly…and its in._

_1…2…3…4….5…6…7…._

_That's it. This is how, I turned myself from a hero- to a junkie._


	2. Lost

Disclaimer: again, I don't own em, just wanna play

Raiting: M (story contains graphic drug details, mention of drugs, adult language, sexxxxx)

Authors note: I know that was a short little first chapter, but I just wanted to give you a taste. I've been sitting on this idea for a while, In my mind I wanted to see how the girls deal with the demon of a serious addiction. I myself struggle with addiction, have been since I was 14 and I am only 21. Im newly recovered. Heroin is a tough battle to go through. I wanted to play out this story, so here it is.

_**Italics are Janes thoughts.**_

Chapter 1: lost

'_The best feeling in the world, is when it flushes through your body, then your head slowly _ _dips low, your eyes close, and all the pain in the world subsides'_

She remembers the day it started. Hoyt. How one man can take away every moment, every image she ever lived for and turn it into pain. First it was just the oxys. Oxy-coton. Jane's doctor prescribed her oxys for the pain. The pain inflicted by scaples in her hand. He held her down and ripped her life away. The detective was only taking them when the pain became too much. She remembers the first one she took. Not only did it take the physical pain away, it also made her numb to the emotional. For weeks, she couldn't talk to anyone. Not her mother, not her father, not he brothers, nor could she even speak to Maura.

'_Maura, Maura Maura Maura. My soul.'_

It killed Jane. To not even be able to look at the woman who stole her heart. Before Hoyt, Janes mind, her heart, her soul, was always with Maura. Then after, the unrequited love was lost to the detective. She had to stay disconnected from Maura. Jane could not stand the pain in Maura's eyes every time she looked at her. Jane was so close to telling the Medical Examiner how much she loved her, Damn the consequences. Then, she lost herself. The oxys made the heart break go away too. Finally, with the help of opiates, she could deal. She could go to work with a smile on her face like nothing had happened. The best part was, no one noticed. She could get away with it. She started taking more and more, just to feel the hour rush. Then, when the hour was over, she just took more.

Everything was okay again. That's when the Detective noticed that she couldn't go a day without them. When she would wake up in the morning, her legs hurt. Her nose would not stop running. Janes entire body ached. It was like a really bad flu, minus the fever. She just couldn't stop. That's when her doctor started noticing his patient slipping from his grasps. Dr. Cipp started to see the change in his favorite patient. So what did our great Doctor do? He lowered her dosage, and lowered the quantity.

Jane couldn't have that.

One day, she ran out. Jane went to the pharmacy to get it filled, and it was too early. The pharmacist, apologized over and over, but there just wasn't anything he could do. So when she couldn't reach her high, legally, she went to the only block in boston she knew where she could score. Fourth and Indiana.

At first, none of the dealers that hung on the block would sell to her. That's when she met Sal. He new she was a cop, but he also knew a fien when he seen one.

'_fien, that's what I have become'_

Sal would sell to her, for a breakdown of price when she ran out. Everything, once again, was okay dokay. All was right with the world. She was putting the bad guys in their place. Maura was smiling at her, in that 'I want you' way. The Brunette felt like she was on top of the world again. Then the ground crumbled beneath her. Her doctor stopped her scripts. She ran to Sal, ran as fast as her sick legs could carry her.

_She got out her car and rounded the block, she could smell the dirt in the air. The detective walked half way down, and in between two houses she found her new favorite person in the world, the 5'9" Dark, big boned, Salvador. The street doctor._

"_Sal, I need double this time"_

_Sal looked at his favorite customer in awe. Not even the customers he has had for years made him this much money. "Walk with me Vanilla, I got just what you need."_

_She trusted him with her life, knew he wouldn't get her caught up in any police, or criminal activity. At least activity that she was not willingly participating in. He lead her into what Jane believed was his house, and down into the basement. "Look Vanilla, I don't got those roxy's you need."_

"_Sal, you told me you got me, Im sick as fuck, I can not go to work like this." She started to panic._

"_Look yo, calm down, I don't got those roxys, But I do got something. It will make you feel invincible. No more achey legs."_

_She was hesitant at first, but like any addict, the thought of not being sick got the better of her. "what do you got? I don't care Sal, I just can not feel like this" _

"_well, how much you wanna spend?"_

"_I got $250"_

_He dug in his pockets, and pulled out two little bundles of blue wax papered baggies. "Heroin, Sal, I can't, I wont."_

"_Ok Vanilla. Don't. But this is all I got take it or leave it." She started walking back up the steps to leave. Jane got Only about six steps up, then the pain, she just couldn't bare it anymore. She turned around. Bought them, and they sat on his couch together. She didn't know how to get high, At least not on heroin. So he did it for her. Sal, got it ready and shot her, in her veins. It flushed from her arm into her chest, up into her head. It was the best feeling in the entire world. Next to her love for Maura, but even that could barely touch this feeling. In 7 seconds her eyes closed, and she dipped away from the world._

That was her first bag. Now the Detective sits here on her couch, Head falling into her lap. Reminiscing the first time she experienced the amazing feeling of being invincible. Now, she had lost count on how many bags she has done since that time six months ago. She lost how many times she has stuck that needle in her arm, and just flown away. She has lost count on how many times she had to hide her tracks from her friends, from Maura. Now everyone knew, every person in Janes life has realized what shes become. Poor Maura. After months and months of unrequited love for the Medical examiner, she finally told Jane that her feelings were returned, the same day Maura seen first hand what Jane has become. But, the addiction, the dope, took over the brunette, and when push came to shove, she chose the dope.

(flashback 3 months prior)

_She Just woke up, already the pain starts. _ She rolled off of her bed. Its Saturday, Hopefully the city of Boston will refrain from any murders today. Jane walked into the kitchen. It was going to be a long day. The detective and the Medical Examiner had decided to spend the day enjoying the return of the spring weather. She had to get going and get ready to wait for Maura. The love of her life. But, she couldn't do anything without getting high first, and taking away the pain. Jane went and got her shit, out of her drug bag. It was a brown coach wallet purse. She got out all her 'supplies' and got to work. 10 minutes later, and countless numbers of trying to hit a vein, she finally hit. Before she could even put her needles and stash away her head started to dip real low. She flushed with warmth throughout her body. The tingles started to form in her chest, and her head started to flutter.

Knock, knock, knock.

"Shit". Jane scrambled, threw her drugs and needles under the cushions, and grabbed a sweater. Walking to the door, she opened to find a bouncing blonde medical examiner, in what Jane guesses is a new spring dress, standing with coffee.

"I know im early. However, I have good reason. I wanted you to try the coffee from the shop that just opened down the street from my house. I assure you, its amazing, and I wanted to get here before you drank our first cup."

"I love the dress Maur, come in, I'll just shower and dress, then we can roll out of here."

"Put on sneakers, we are going to be doing a lot of walking today Detective."

"Maur, your wearing heels, haha." After about several minutes of playful banter, the detective went and hopped into the shower. Maura knew of Janes feelings, she let them slip. But, Jane did not know that they were returned. That's why Maura came up with the idea of spending the day together. Today was the day. The Medical Examiner was going to tell The Detective how much she loved her too. Maura wanted to take Jane by the hand, hold her and kiss all the pain away. She knew how much Jane had been struggling. She seen such a dramatic change in her, even though the detective tried to hide it. Thinking Jane was going to be about 20 minutes, the medical examiner sat down on the couch, to watch T.V. while she waited. She sat and turned on the boob tube, and was immediately uncomfortable. The cushion was not placed properly, and Maura liked order. She lifted up the cushions, and immediately wished she hadn't. Ignorance is bliss, truly. She bent down to pick up the offending objects.

'a needle, heroin bags, oh jane!'

Jane was just finishing putting on her shoes when she heard a small whimper. She put back on her sweater and proceeded out of her bathroom. She saw Maura on the couch and heard her whimpers. Jane felt a ping in her heart when she remembered what was lying right underneath of Maura's seat. She slowly rounded the couch and seen what had been making Maura cry. She found it. In her hands were the key to Janes happiness.

"Maur, that's not.."

"Jane, let me see your arms."

"Maura, how could you think that shits mine?" She snatched the shit out of Maura's hands. "I was letting a friend stay here, he must of left.."

"JANE, let me see your arms, now, or im leaving and never turning back."

"Then fucking leave Maur, get the fuck out." Maura walked quickly over to Jane and grabbed her arm. Jane tried to fight it, but Maura had her. Jane wasn't as strong as she once was, drugs getting the best of her. The Medical Examiner pulled up her sleeve and seen the tracks. Jane pulled away, even though it was too late.

"Jane, Im taking you to a rehab pack a bag. Were leaving now"

"The fuck if I am, just fucking get out"

"Jane im not kidding I am calling your mother, and we will drag you out of here." That set Jane off she grabbed Maura and pushed her into the wall.

"I swear to god, if you call my mom, I will never speak to you again."

"Jane, please, please, I love you just let me help you." Jane released her arms, and backed away.

"You don't love me Maura, You love the ATTENTION I GIVE YOU."

Maura walked toward Jane, and put her hand on The Detectives cheek. "Jane, I love you. I want to be with you. I am in love with you. Please, you need help. Let me help you baby."

Jane looked into Maura's eyes. "Maura, I don't need rehab, I just get high to take away the pain, not to actually be high. I wont go."

"Then Jane, im leaving. I will not watch you die from this. You have to choose. Its me or…or… that."

Jane sighed. She loved Maura, but she wasn't going to rehab. SHE WAS NOT, admitting to defeat.

"Bye Maura."

Maura slowly backed away from the detective. Jane could see the pain in her face. That's when Maura walked out of her world. For good

Now, Jane sits here on her couch, head on her lap. Everyone walked away, everyone.

Tbc…..


	3. Chapter 3

Disclamer: Don't own em, If I did im sure they would have released the sexual tension by now.

Raiting: M

Authors Note: Thank you for the reviews. As you guys can probably tell, I've never written anything in my entire life. Never a story, never a poem, hardly any letters to anyone. Hopefully this story gets better, which I promise, all the ideas in my head, it surely will. This is a story I have been trying to write since Rizzoli and Isles came out. Its hard though, and im going to use a lot of my personal experiences to really take the detective into the depth of this addiction, and hopefully to bring her out. I wasn't planning on Maura just walking away, but that's what happens.. especially the ones that love you the most. I promise though, she will be there for Jane, in the best ways. Here it is…

Where do I go from here: 

Maura sat at in her office staring at the computer screen not really reading the words on the screen. It had been three months since that fateful day in Jane's apartment. One month since Jane had lost her job as detective. She deeply missed the brunette. When Maura walked out that day, she was determined to show Jane tough love. She did not know how else to deal with this. Of course she had seen addiction in her life, but where she came from, it was frowned upon. If someone in her social circle suffered with addiction, they were not to speak of it. Her mother had taught Maura to keep them at arms distance. "And addict, is no more than a junkie. They will rip everything away from you." Those were the words her mother spoke. The Medical Examiner didn't want to believe that her Jane would do this.

Several days after their fight Maura decided to reach out to Jane again. The Blonde loved the Brunette. She would do everything in her power to help her. That's when it hit her, that Jane was lost in the darkness.

(flashback)

_Laying on her couch she picked up her phone, and dialed the one number she knew by heart. Her Jane. That day, it all came out. All the Medical Examiner wanted was to confess her love for Jane. She wanted to whisk her away and make passionate love to her. Although, she did admit her feelings for the Detective, they didn't come out under the circumstances she had believed they would. After a few rings she heard a very raspy hello, and it made her heart break. One sign of Heroin abuse is a raspy voice. Jane's is already naturally deep, with the added effect, it made her sound sick._

"_Jane, I really need to speak to you. I miss you. I wish, I wish you would please let me help you."_

"_Look, I've told you over and over, im fine. I Don't need help. Look, I can quit anytime I want too. Im just doing it to take the pain away from my hands."_

"_Jane, that's bullshit and you know it. It has been almost 4 months since Hoyt. The scars have already formed, the physical pain is gone ."_

"_You know what Maur, Don't fucking tell me your doctors opinion on shit. I know my body, I don't give a fuck how many phd's you have. Don't tell me how I feel. Look, I got some things I have to do. If all you did was call to lay in on me, save it."_

_The tears started to form in her eyes. This was not her Jane, the Jane she fell deeply in love with. "Jane, why are you being like this to me. I love you. You are my best friend. I do not want to see you fall like this im sorry. I will not watch you kill yourself."_

"_Im sorry Maura, where are you? Can I come talk to you?"_

"_I would like that, very much. I am at home. Just please Jane, come sober."_

"_Ok Maur, I'll be there in a few minutes."_

_She heard a click on her phone. The line went dead. She inhaled deeply and clutched her chest. She had to talk some sense into Jane. She had yet to tell Angela. Even though she knew she should, she just didn't have the courage to tell the woman who had become like a mother to her that her only daughter had become a serious Heroin addict. It would kill Angela. Jane was always so against drugs. She was a very determined detective. Jane had quickly become labeled a hero in Boston. The Medical Examiner had told Korsak and Barry. They were her partners and they loved Jane almost as much as she did. They had to know. Jane was now putting them at risk on the field. Barry was hurt, and Korsak was emotionally distraught. Never did anyone think this demon of addiction would attack their Janie. They all noticed the changes though. She was not as strong anymore. She ran slower while pursuing a criminal on foot. There were even days when Jane would fall asleep at her desk. The team just chalked it up to her recovery from Hoyt. Maura had seen Jane's pupils were small, but she knew the detective was on oxy coton for her hands. Maura never though, in a million years her Janie would fall like this._

_There was a knock on the door. There must not have been much traffic. She sighed and slowly made her way to open the door. When she saw the sight of her best friend, her heart dropped. There Jane stood, hair was tied in a ponytail, you could tell it has not been washed in a few days. Jane had dark circles under her eyes. You could tell she had lost about 10 pounds. Which was not good. Jane was already a skinny woman. Jane was wearing a jacket to cover the tracks, it was spring 80 degree weather. No need for the jacket._

"_Jane, please come in." Jane walked past Maura and walked over to the couch and took a seat._

"_Maur, sit next to me." Maura walked over and sat beside Jane. She slowly put her hand in Jane's. At first the Detective was hesitant, but quickly relaxed. The tingles that Maura could give Jane just by one touch, was astonishing. Almost as if she was floating above the world._

"_Maura, look. I am Ok. Please, stop worrying. It hurts me that I've made you so sad."_

"_Then please Jane. If you love me, if you are hurt then im sad, then make me happy. Let me put you in a rehab."_

_Jane closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. "I don't need rehab Maura."_

"_Jane look at me." Jane turned and opened her eyes for Maura. What she saw killed her. "I know you, this is no longer you looking back into my eyes. This has turned you into someone that scares me. Im in love with you. I want to have everything with you. With my Jane, not a heroin addict. Jane this is not you."_

"_I wish, I wish you could see that I'm ok. I can't go to rehab. What do I tell the department. Or worse, what do I tell my my mom?"_

"_Jane, they love you, they would never turn their backs on you. We would be there and support you the whole way."_

"_No Maura I will not go to rehab. Look, I know of a clinic, it's not a methadone clinic. It's a clinic, they give you a drug called suboxone. It's not like Methadone, they only give you it for a month then they wean you off of it slowly so you're not sick. No rehab, no pain. I can do this so I'm not sick, and no one would have to know just me and you."_

_Maura looked into Jane's eyes and finally saw her Jane breaking through. Her heart warmed of the thought of Jane tackling this problem like she tackles perp's. She smiled slowly and Jane put her hand on her cheek. This is the moment she will remember for the rest of her life. Jane leaned in and kissed The Medical Examiner. This was the moment they had both had been dreaming about since they met. At first the kiss was slow, then it started to pick up pace. Maura didn't want this to happen in this situation like this so she slowly pulled back. Jane looked hurt then Maura pressed her for head against Jane's. _

"_Jane, I have been waiting for that kiss for a long time, but I want to wait until your better, before we do this, us. I want to kiss the old you."_

"_Maura, it's me. I didn't go anywhere. I'm still here." Jane leaned in and kissed Maura again. Maura let go of reality. Jane lifted Maura up and led her into the bedroom. Not once did their lips part. The two women spent the next few hours touching every inch of each other's body's. Slowly kissing and feeling their way around in the dark. Maura and Jane both cried of happiness while each one of them climaxed. They finally settled into one another and with their mutters of 'I love you' they drifted off into dream land. That night Maura dreamed of a happy future with her detective. She knew Jane would not let her down. Jane loved the Medical Examiner, in a way no one ever has. The blonde opened herself to the Brunette. That morning when Maura woke, she reached to pull Jane into her, and the detective was not there. She smiled thinking that the detective could not go five minutes in the morning without her first cup of coffee. Maura put on her robe and exited the room to find her soul mate. She looked all over the house and Jane was not there. Something was out of place. She saw her purse on the table. She always put it in her closet. She went and opened the offending object. Her wallet was open. The tears started to form. When she looked inside, $800 of cash that she kept in her wallet just in case she needed it was gone. "Jane" she gasped. That's when she knew she had lost the woman of her dreams._

Now, three months later, sitting at her desk she wondered how she could have been so stupid. She knew an addict in their deep addiction would do anything to get high. She just didn't think her Jane would do that to her. That day, she got dressed and went straight to Angela's. It was hard for Jane's mother to take it. They both had tried to reach out to Jane over the last three months but then Jane just cut off contact with them all after she was fired. Somehow, some way, they had to find Jane, in the dark.

TBC…


End file.
